A number of my work colleagues have said this phrase to me, not because I have just explained our surrogacy situation, but because I decided to go all out and get my hair chopped off. With tongue in cheek, my response has been "if you call this brave, we're having twins in India". I do love my new hair cut, but I love even more the fact that we are now just over the 27 week mark. Eveyone has been so supportive and my work friends are continually coming up with the positives of going through surrogacy. I really don't work with a bunch of alcholics, but the fact that I can still drink alcohol whilst pregnant continues to be at the top of the list, followed closely by the lack of stretch marks.
Whilst Arthur & Martha continue to grow, the time is ticking by, slowly. I would say that with monthly updates, sometimes it is easy to "forget" for a minute that we will be parents very soon. In saying that, I'm prepared - the spare room has been converted to a nursery, in the sense that it is FULL of baby gear which I have picked up at sales. I haven't organised the nursery, everything is still packed up, but at least I know it's there. I am pleased to say that I have not made a purchase of an item at full price & most of the purchases have been online.
I have, on two occasions, visited a baby shop where very young (ok a fair bit younger than me which really doesn't make them that young) and very pregnant (and not as pregnant as me, but of course I'm not showing) walk around rubbing their bellies. When asked by a fellow elderly gentleman who was shopping in this particular shop, if we were looking at baby stuff for our daughter as he was for his (and I might add he looked 20 years older than me) I simply did not have a response. I just needed to escape, which we did. In hindsight, there was no ill intent, I think it was just the shock of it for me, and I just wasn't prepared for it. I should have taken the time to explain, which I have since to people who have heard something babyish is happening for us and there expectations have been that we are about to become grandparents. Oh well, it's all part of the journey and there are many things you just can't prepare yourself for.
When we found out we were successful with this surrogacy, I never thought I would be able to make it to Xmas. It seemed so far away and my thoughts were that surely, if I did make it to Xmas, I would just be beside myself with wonderful thoughts of impending motherhood. Well, we did make it to Xmas and we are so looking forward to parenthood, but there is also an element of it all being very surreal. I think it will only feel "real" when we hold our babies for the first time, maybe not even then, maybe holding them for the second time. My god, what if I won't be able to stop holding them because I cannot believe that they're mine! I cannot even imagine what it will feel like to hold my baby/ies, probably because I have never allowed myself to really think about it in the past, as it was just never going to be.
But it is going to be. And there are simply no words to adequately thank our surrogate and Dr Shivani and her team, for making this happen. It is going to happen, after years of sadness, after months of doubt and pessimism, this will be our last Xmas as a couple. We are going to have a family. There, I've said it and I now believe it. Finally.
Merry Xmas to all and may 2012 bring you much happiness and hope.
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Wednesday, 23 November 2011
and let the truth be told...
To tell or not to tell.... How much longer could we realistically keep this a secret from most of my colleagues and senior management, although the thought of just turning up to work with twins sounded a bit like fun to me. I became reliant on the "let's just wait until the next scan/update" and realised that soon this will become "let's just wait until we are back with the babies", possibly then extending out to "let's just wait until their first birthday is over". Realistically though, I knew the time had come. My manager had known for some time and I gave him the "ok" last week to advise the founders of the College (who happen to be his parents)! It became known as operation "Arthur & Martha", and it was deployed in a fashion that rivalled any military operation in history, or possibly earlier.
I might add that I was sick at the thought of people knowing. I had become comfortable with my two worlds; work was work and home was home. I never allowed these to mix during operation "Arthur & Martha", otherwise I would have gone absolutely, completely bonkers. I realised how much I wanted people to accept our situation as "normal" and how much the people I work with meant to me.
Ok, so how do I tell them. My boss told his managers (parents) and they were extremely happy for me with hugs and words of understanding. That was my first tears, I don't usually cry, well not in front of people or animals. This wasn't how I wanted to display my emotions, I was losing control, oh blast. But I could not help it. I began to tell more people and always started my conversation with "I won't be here for at least four months next year...". The looks of concern confused me - no-one had thought that it would be due to me having babies (no doubt because I'm past the "child bearing age", just). They were expecting some dreadful life threatening news like I was about to undergo some radical extensive treatment for a brain tumour or the like. I quickly changed my leading statement.
Anyhow, everyone has been absolutely wonderful. And it has been a huge gargantuous massive relief for me. I can talk about the babies, openly. People now know and ask me questions. Mission accomplished. News is spreading. I'm receiving phone calls from long lost friends, thanks to a very excited sister in law who has been placed on blood pressure tablets and believes this is due to the fact that I would not allow her to tell people sooner. My nephew on the other hand, is a little put out, and doesn't want girl cousins.
The one person though that I would have loved to have told is my mum. She passed away last year but I know that she would be so so happy and she has our little baby girl from earlier this year in her arms, who is aptly named after her.
So for all of you who are worried about telling people your news, use your gut feel, you do know when the time is right. It isn't always the same for everyone; it's when you feel as comfortable as you think you can be, that is, without waiting until your child/children turns 21!
I might add that I was sick at the thought of people knowing. I had become comfortable with my two worlds; work was work and home was home. I never allowed these to mix during operation "Arthur & Martha", otherwise I would have gone absolutely, completely bonkers. I realised how much I wanted people to accept our situation as "normal" and how much the people I work with meant to me.
Ok, so how do I tell them. My boss told his managers (parents) and they were extremely happy for me with hugs and words of understanding. That was my first tears, I don't usually cry, well not in front of people or animals. This wasn't how I wanted to display my emotions, I was losing control, oh blast. But I could not help it. I began to tell more people and always started my conversation with "I won't be here for at least four months next year...". The looks of concern confused me - no-one had thought that it would be due to me having babies (no doubt because I'm past the "child bearing age", just). They were expecting some dreadful life threatening news like I was about to undergo some radical extensive treatment for a brain tumour or the like. I quickly changed my leading statement.
Anyhow, everyone has been absolutely wonderful. And it has been a huge gargantuous massive relief for me. I can talk about the babies, openly. People now know and ask me questions. Mission accomplished. News is spreading. I'm receiving phone calls from long lost friends, thanks to a very excited sister in law who has been placed on blood pressure tablets and believes this is due to the fact that I would not allow her to tell people sooner. My nephew on the other hand, is a little put out, and doesn't want girl cousins.
The one person though that I would have loved to have told is my mum. She passed away last year but I know that she would be so so happy and she has our little baby girl from earlier this year in her arms, who is aptly named after her.
So for all of you who are worried about telling people your news, use your gut feel, you do know when the time is right. It isn't always the same for everyone; it's when you feel as comfortable as you think you can be, that is, without waiting until your child/children turns 21!
Saturday, 5 November 2011
Paranoia, maybe
It has been some time since my last post. Not because I haven't thought about it or I haven't had time. It's due to a condition I've developed since IVF called "PARANOIA". I have a sense that as soon as I open my heart and tell the world, something so dreadful will happen that I so regret having opened my heart (& mouth) in the first place. This I learnt quickly through IVF when I was convinced that it would all turn out right THE FIRST TIME. But it most certainly didn't! It's now time though that we do seriously have to start communicating, otherwise there are going to be some very very confused people in a few months time! Our surrogate mother continues to carry for us, with twins, whom I've aptly named Arthur & Martha. They are now 20 weeks, crap, that's five months. The time has gone quickly, no it hasn't, it's gone slowly, but quickly, but stressfully. I don't really know, I just know that as soon as we return with Arthur & Martha in our arms, I am going to place my phone on silent, permanently. If I get an email at 11.34pm, I will not care. I will check my email at a godly hour, like when I wake up! What a luxury that will be!
Arthur & Martha are doing wonderfully well; the porky one (who of course is Arthur) is thriving; the shy, petite twin, Martha, is smart and cunning, of course. She shows only parts of her face each time, unlike Arthur, who appears to be very photogenic.
Panic is imminent. The realisation that we are at 5 months seems surreal. Although I have been gradually purchasing items (all items on special I might add), I am now concerned that I may have overlooked something. What if I have missed something, what if I haven't got an item that I don't know what it is, but I need it, or might need, or use once, or not at all but is there just in case. I'm so convinced that if I don't get these items now, whatever they may be, that as soon as the babies arrive, the shopping centre down the road will self combust, my car will no longer operate, I will have no friends, relatives or even husband able to get something for me. If only I had purchased THAT item. What kind of mother will I be.
I had informed my boss some time back and now a handful of people know; people I have chosen to know. Most of my colleagues do not know; my boss has said that whenever I am ready, we will communicate to everyone. The problem is , I am not ever going to be ready, not until my babies are back here. But I know that I can't wait that long, I know that people need to know, that I can't go on pretending that things are "normal". Working in a school, most people take leave at the end of the term, that is in three weeks' time. They do not return until late January. By that time we will be another 10 weeks advanced and almost due. Monday is the day that I will tell my boss that I'm ready. Well, kinda ready, maybe. Or maybe the week after...
Needless to say it has been a journey, we had lost two babies with another surrogate and we are so pleased that we went with two surrogates as we wouldn't now have Arthur & Martha. It would be horrendous to think what we would be feeling like if we only went with the one. My recommendation, anyone able to go with two surrogates, should. We are wonderfully happy and so ready to become a family. Thank you Dr Shivani and team; we knew what we started with and we wanted to end with, but it's Dr Shivani and her team that have made the journey for us.
Arthur & Martha are doing wonderfully well; the porky one (who of course is Arthur) is thriving; the shy, petite twin, Martha, is smart and cunning, of course. She shows only parts of her face each time, unlike Arthur, who appears to be very photogenic.
Panic is imminent. The realisation that we are at 5 months seems surreal. Although I have been gradually purchasing items (all items on special I might add), I am now concerned that I may have overlooked something. What if I have missed something, what if I haven't got an item that I don't know what it is, but I need it, or might need, or use once, or not at all but is there just in case. I'm so convinced that if I don't get these items now, whatever they may be, that as soon as the babies arrive, the shopping centre down the road will self combust, my car will no longer operate, I will have no friends, relatives or even husband able to get something for me. If only I had purchased THAT item. What kind of mother will I be.
I had informed my boss some time back and now a handful of people know; people I have chosen to know. Most of my colleagues do not know; my boss has said that whenever I am ready, we will communicate to everyone. The problem is , I am not ever going to be ready, not until my babies are back here. But I know that I can't wait that long, I know that people need to know, that I can't go on pretending that things are "normal". Working in a school, most people take leave at the end of the term, that is in three weeks' time. They do not return until late January. By that time we will be another 10 weeks advanced and almost due. Monday is the day that I will tell my boss that I'm ready. Well, kinda ready, maybe. Or maybe the week after...
Needless to say it has been a journey, we had lost two babies with another surrogate and we are so pleased that we went with two surrogates as we wouldn't now have Arthur & Martha. It would be horrendous to think what we would be feeling like if we only went with the one. My recommendation, anyone able to go with two surrogates, should. We are wonderfully happy and so ready to become a family. Thank you Dr Shivani and team; we knew what we started with and we wanted to end with, but it's Dr Shivani and her team that have made the journey for us.
Sunday, 14 August 2011
Nine weeks & conflict
Well, today marks the nine week mark and unbelievably, the time has gone quickly. All is well with our two surrogate mothers and the secrets they are carrying for us with heartbeats and growth all being normal. In the background, we are trying to carry on as per normal, as normal as can be, however this is becoming increasingly more difficult. More difficult than I thought actually. Whilst we are cautiously excited and optimistic, it is really hard to maintain normality at work, particularly with my boss. Plans for next year, budgeting, resources, staffing - discussions are all taking place now. A part of me does not want to mention anything to my boss as it's far too early, but I'm caught somewhere between loyalty and rationality. It would make it so much easier for my employer to know the details NOW, for financial reasons, but I can't. There are times when I feel like blurting it out, but how would it sound without any thought given to my words "Richard, I'm expecting but I'm not pregnant and I will need to take either maternity or adoption leave early next year to pick up some babies from India". mmmm, I think I will hold off a little longer....it's too hard to think about at the moment!
We have told close family members, all of whom are very happy for us. We have been in the process of consolidating our cars and of course, thought has been given to an extended family and the carrying capacity of a new vehicle. It is quite funny to see the expression on the faces of strangers, when we mention why we may need a large vehicle. They are cautious and you can literally hear their thoughts "did they say grandchildren??".Whilst I'm 44, Jim has turned the big 50, but at long last, we have found our purpose in life. Ok, we've said it, we've actually told people who we don't know what we are doing. It's actually quite fun.... but I'm sure it's going to be a whole lot different when it comes to work.....
On reading blogs by Dr Shivani's clients, I feel privileged to be a part of this exclusive minority group who are all sharing the same journey. It is a pretty special group. On the baby front, scans are due again next Monday; I have never looked forward to the end of a weekend so much before!
We have told close family members, all of whom are very happy for us. We have been in the process of consolidating our cars and of course, thought has been given to an extended family and the carrying capacity of a new vehicle. It is quite funny to see the expression on the faces of strangers, when we mention why we may need a large vehicle. They are cautious and you can literally hear their thoughts "did they say grandchildren??".Whilst I'm 44, Jim has turned the big 50, but at long last, we have found our purpose in life. Ok, we've said it, we've actually told people who we don't know what we are doing. It's actually quite fun.... but I'm sure it's going to be a whole lot different when it comes to work.....
On reading blogs by Dr Shivani's clients, I feel privileged to be a part of this exclusive minority group who are all sharing the same journey. It is a pretty special group. On the baby front, scans are due again next Monday; I have never looked forward to the end of a weekend so much before!
Monday, 1 August 2011
Early Days
The long awaited result from our 2ww is yes & yes. We have multiples in both surrogates. Heartbeats are all present and all is well at this very early stage of 7 weeks (today). Next week we hopefully will have a better idea how everything is progressing. In the meantime, we literally jump to the phone when its ring tone notifies us that we have received an email. Of course it is usually something that I have subscribed years ago and I have forgotten to cancel THAT subscription. I am also guilty of checking my phone (yes, placed very strategically on my bedside table to accommodate a quick retrieval in the middle of the night without turning the light on) at least once a night, just in case I may not have heard an email come through. I'm not sure why I wouldn't hear it - I have the tone turned up as loud as possible, to the point of embarrassing when it sounds during the day!
It is hard to be cautious whilst remaining optimistic; and vice versa. Our chances are good, but then so would one think would be the case with fertility and falling pregnant naturally. I once had a boss that told me that woman are placed on the earth to breed; he sincerely believed it. Yet I wonder now what his thoughts are on surrogacy. I'm quietly wondering how people will react, such as my colleagues, when all is revealed. I know one thing - negativity won't be tolerated! I am not too old (44 in a couple of days) and no, I do not want to start thinking about retirement. Watch out people, accept or be told!!!
Krissie & Jim
It is hard to be cautious whilst remaining optimistic; and vice versa. Our chances are good, but then so would one think would be the case with fertility and falling pregnant naturally. I once had a boss that told me that woman are placed on the earth to breed; he sincerely believed it. Yet I wonder now what his thoughts are on surrogacy. I'm quietly wondering how people will react, such as my colleagues, when all is revealed. I know one thing - negativity won't be tolerated! I am not too old (44 in a couple of days) and no, I do not want to start thinking about retirement. Watch out people, accept or be told!!!
Krissie & Jim
Saturday, 9 July 2011
Fast forward 3 months....
Three months have gone so fast, and so much seems to have happened, yet really not that much to report. It really does seems like eons ago since we started our surrogacy journey.....
Following our first trip to India in late April, we ended up with a "weak" positive result. Whilst we remained hopeful, we knew what this meant, and this proved to be correct after three blood tests. Our lovely surrogate mother then miscarried, but we were reasonably prepared following the beta results which were coming through each 48 hours. I still recall that first email from SCI late on a Monday night, hearing an email come through my phone (of course situated on my bedside table!), knowing that this would be the pregnancy results. I was shaking almost to the point that I couldn't open the message. Unfortunately the news wasn't good from the start. We had transferred three embryos and had frozen three, however these were not the best.
We remained focused and knew that we wanted to pursue this direction in our life; how could we not. The decision to pursue surrogacy is not made lightly, but it is funny how it now seems the "norm". It certainly is to us to the point that our conversations would not be comprehensible to others (and this is something that we must remember!). At this point we have only told the immediate family what we are doing, Jim's two teenage daughters, his mum, my dad and brother. My mum passed away last year, but I know that she would be happy for me.
Our second attempt occurred two months and one day after the first, only because we could not re-enter India any sooner and had to wait two months. We applied for a multi-visit visa which we were granted and were off again on the 26 July. We had decided not to use the frozen embryos, time isn't on our side and we were worried about the quality of Jim's sperm. Jim had a sperm extraction on the first visit, and due to the quality, none were frozen.
It was quite incredible how familiar Delhi seemed on the second visit. In honesty, it was good to be back and actually doing something rather than talking about it! The second attempt started better than the first; sperm quality was better and our wonderful egg donor had a lovely nest of eggs. This all resulted in a transfer of five embryos to one surrogate mother and four to another. I am glad we met these lovely ladies, even though words cannot express our gratitude I'm sure they got the message! So, we are now in our 2WW again.
We cannot thank SCI enough. They are far exceeding our expectations of dealing with a surrogacy agency in India, if you ever could imagine what that might be like. Their professionalism, time management and wonderful personable staff would put a lot of western organisations to shame.
Krissie & Jim
Following our first trip to India in late April, we ended up with a "weak" positive result. Whilst we remained hopeful, we knew what this meant, and this proved to be correct after three blood tests. Our lovely surrogate mother then miscarried, but we were reasonably prepared following the beta results which were coming through each 48 hours. I still recall that first email from SCI late on a Monday night, hearing an email come through my phone (of course situated on my bedside table!), knowing that this would be the pregnancy results. I was shaking almost to the point that I couldn't open the message. Unfortunately the news wasn't good from the start. We had transferred three embryos and had frozen three, however these were not the best.
We remained focused and knew that we wanted to pursue this direction in our life; how could we not. The decision to pursue surrogacy is not made lightly, but it is funny how it now seems the "norm". It certainly is to us to the point that our conversations would not be comprehensible to others (and this is something that we must remember!). At this point we have only told the immediate family what we are doing, Jim's two teenage daughters, his mum, my dad and brother. My mum passed away last year, but I know that she would be happy for me.
Our second attempt occurred two months and one day after the first, only because we could not re-enter India any sooner and had to wait two months. We applied for a multi-visit visa which we were granted and were off again on the 26 July. We had decided not to use the frozen embryos, time isn't on our side and we were worried about the quality of Jim's sperm. Jim had a sperm extraction on the first visit, and due to the quality, none were frozen.
It was quite incredible how familiar Delhi seemed on the second visit. In honesty, it was good to be back and actually doing something rather than talking about it! The second attempt started better than the first; sperm quality was better and our wonderful egg donor had a lovely nest of eggs. This all resulted in a transfer of five embryos to one surrogate mother and four to another. I am glad we met these lovely ladies, even though words cannot express our gratitude I'm sure they got the message! So, we are now in our 2WW again.
We cannot thank SCI enough. They are far exceeding our expectations of dealing with a surrogacy agency in India, if you ever could imagine what that might be like. Their professionalism, time management and wonderful personable staff would put a lot of western organisations to shame.
Krissie & Jim
Tuesday, 5 April 2011
The beginning...
I'm not usually a blogger and find writing about my life somewhat uncomfortable. Hence I'm not an avid Facebooker and I am considered odd (by gen zero intelligence) that my "friends" are less than 100. However, I am drawn to reading blogs of courageous people who have undertaken the journey of surrogacy. Why courageous? Because it is only the small minority who could fully understand the concept and miracle of surrogacy, and then proceed down the path of fulfilling their dream. The vast majority unfortunately see it another light; usually because they don't perceive it as normal. This is "normal" to some and what a journey!
In two weeks, we head to India to initiate our attempt at having a child through surrogacy. Each blog I read, in some way, prepares us for this jouney. If I can, in turn, offer just one small ounce of courage to someone contemplating this direction, then this blog will all be worth it!
There are two things I am sure of. I love my husband, and I love my cats. And yes, in that order, most of the time. My husband and I came together after having a life elsewhere. I was married then divorced, then travelled and lived very independently. My husband had a family with now two daughters in their late teens. I always thought the family thing wasn't for me. Then things changed. I'm not sure when, or how. But it did and I realised that a loving husband, the adventure holidays and my collection of cats were no longer enough, anymore. Conception was impossible for us and after failed IVF attempts, this is the path we have chosen. We are very excited and am looking forward to our short trip to India.
In two weeks, we head to India to initiate our attempt at having a child through surrogacy. Each blog I read, in some way, prepares us for this jouney. If I can, in turn, offer just one small ounce of courage to someone contemplating this direction, then this blog will all be worth it!
There are two things I am sure of. I love my husband, and I love my cats. And yes, in that order, most of the time. My husband and I came together after having a life elsewhere. I was married then divorced, then travelled and lived very independently. My husband had a family with now two daughters in their late teens. I always thought the family thing wasn't for me. Then things changed. I'm not sure when, or how. But it did and I realised that a loving husband, the adventure holidays and my collection of cats were no longer enough, anymore. Conception was impossible for us and after failed IVF attempts, this is the path we have chosen. We are very excited and am looking forward to our short trip to India.
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