and let the truth be told...

To tell or not to tell....  How much longer could we realistically keep this a secret from most of my colleagues and senior management, although the thought of just turning up to work with twins sounded a bit like fun to me.  I became reliant on the "let's just wait until the next scan/update" and realised that soon this will become "let's just wait until we are back with the babies", possibly then extending out to "let's just wait until their first birthday is over".  Realistically though, I knew the time had come.  My manager had known for some time and I gave him the "ok" last week to advise the founders of the College (who happen to be his parents)!  It became known as operation "Arthur & Martha", and it was deployed in a fashion that rivalled any military operation in history, or possibly earlier.

I might add that I was sick at the thought of people knowing.  I had become comfortable with my two worlds; work was work and home was home.  I never allowed these to mix during operation "Arthur & Martha", otherwise I would have gone absolutely, completely bonkers. I realised how much I wanted people to accept our situation as "normal" and how much the people I work with meant to me. 

Ok, so how do I tell them.  My boss told his managers (parents) and they were extremely happy for me with hugs and words of understanding.  That was my first tears, I don't usually cry, well not in front of people or animals.  This wasn't how I wanted to display my emotions, I was losing control, oh blast.  But I could not help it.  I began to tell more people and always started my conversation with "I won't be here for at least four months next year...".  The looks of concern confused me - no-one had thought that it would be due to me having babies (no doubt because I'm past the "child bearing age", just).  They were expecting some dreadful life threatening news like I was about to undergo some radical extensive treatment for a brain tumour or the like.  I quickly changed my leading statement.

Anyhow, everyone has been absolutely wonderful.  And it has been a huge gargantuous massive relief for me.  I can talk about the babies, openly. People now know and ask me questions.  Mission accomplished.  News is spreading.  I'm receiving phone calls from long lost friends, thanks to a very excited sister in law who has been placed on blood pressure tablets and believes this is due to the fact that I would not allow her to tell people sooner.  My nephew on the other hand, is a little put out, and doesn't want girl cousins.

The one person though that I would have loved to have told is my mum.  She passed away last year but I know that she would be so so happy and she has our little baby girl from earlier this year in her arms, who is aptly named after her.

So for all of you who are worried about telling people your news, use your gut feel, you do know when the time is right.  It isn't always the same for everyone; it's when you feel as comfortable as you think you can be, that is, without waiting until your child/children turns 21!

Paranoia, maybe

It has been some time since my last post.  Not because I haven't thought about it or I haven't had time. It's due to a condition I've developed since IVF called "PARANOIA".   I have a sense that as soon as I open my heart and tell the world, something so dreadful will happen that I so regret having opened my heart (& mouth) in the first place.  This I learnt quickly through IVF when I was convinced that it would all turn out right THE FIRST TIME.  But it most certainly didn't!  It's now time though that we do seriously have to start communicating, otherwise there are going to be some very very confused people in a few months time!  Our surrogate mother continues to carry for us, with twins, whom I've aptly named Arthur & Martha.  They are now 20 weeks, crap, that's five months.  The time has gone quickly, no it hasn't, it's gone slowly, but quickly, but stressfully.  I don't really know, I just know that as soon as we return with Arthur & Martha in our arms, I am going to place my phone on silent, permanently.  If I get an email at 11.34pm, I will not care.  I will check my email at a godly hour, like when I wake up!  What a luxury that will be!

Arthur & Martha are doing wonderfully well; the porky one (who of course is Arthur) is thriving; the shy, petite twin, Martha, is smart and cunning, of course.  She shows only parts of her face each time, unlike Arthur, who appears to be very photogenic.

Panic is imminent.  The realisation that we are at 5 months seems surreal.  Although I have been gradually purchasing items (all items on special I might add), I am now concerned that I may have overlooked something.  What if I have missed something, what if I haven't got an item that I don't know what it is, but I need it, or might need, or use once, or not at all but is there just in case.  I'm so convinced that if I don't get these items now, whatever they may be, that as soon as the babies arrive, the shopping centre down the road will self combust, my car will no longer operate, I will have no friends, relatives or even husband able to get something for me.  If only I had purchased THAT item.  What kind of mother will I be.

I had informed my boss some time back and now a handful of people know; people I have chosen to know.  Most of my colleagues do not know; my boss has said that whenever I am ready, we will communicate to everyone.  The problem is , I am not ever going to be ready, not until my babies are back here.  But I know that I can't wait that long, I know that people need to know, that I can't go on pretending that things are "normal".  Working in a school, most people take leave at the end of the term, that is in three weeks' time.  They do not return until late January.  By that time we will be another 10 weeks advanced and almost due.  Monday is the day that I will tell my boss that I'm ready.  Well, kinda ready, maybe.  Or maybe the week after...

Needless to say it has been a journey, we had lost two babies with another surrogate and we are so pleased that we went with two surrogates as we wouldn't now have Arthur & Martha.  It would be horrendous to think what we would be feeling like if we only went with the one.  My recommendation, anyone able to go with two surrogates, should.  We are wonderfully happy and so ready to become a family.  Thank you Dr Shivani and team; we knew what we started with and we wanted to end with, but it's Dr Shivani and her team that have made the journey for us.