Paranoia, maybe

It has been some time since my last post.  Not because I haven't thought about it or I haven't had time. It's due to a condition I've developed since IVF called "PARANOIA".   I have a sense that as soon as I open my heart and tell the world, something so dreadful will happen that I so regret having opened my heart (& mouth) in the first place.  This I learnt quickly through IVF when I was convinced that it would all turn out right THE FIRST TIME.  But it most certainly didn't!  It's now time though that we do seriously have to start communicating, otherwise there are going to be some very very confused people in a few months time!  Our surrogate mother continues to carry for us, with twins, whom I've aptly named Arthur & Martha.  They are now 20 weeks, crap, that's five months.  The time has gone quickly, no it hasn't, it's gone slowly, but quickly, but stressfully.  I don't really know, I just know that as soon as we return with Arthur & Martha in our arms, I am going to place my phone on silent, permanently.  If I get an email at 11.34pm, I will not care.  I will check my email at a godly hour, like when I wake up!  What a luxury that will be!

Arthur & Martha are doing wonderfully well; the porky one (who of course is Arthur) is thriving; the shy, petite twin, Martha, is smart and cunning, of course.  She shows only parts of her face each time, unlike Arthur, who appears to be very photogenic.

Panic is imminent.  The realisation that we are at 5 months seems surreal.  Although I have been gradually purchasing items (all items on special I might add), I am now concerned that I may have overlooked something.  What if I have missed something, what if I haven't got an item that I don't know what it is, but I need it, or might need, or use once, or not at all but is there just in case.  I'm so convinced that if I don't get these items now, whatever they may be, that as soon as the babies arrive, the shopping centre down the road will self combust, my car will no longer operate, I will have no friends, relatives or even husband able to get something for me.  If only I had purchased THAT item.  What kind of mother will I be.

I had informed my boss some time back and now a handful of people know; people I have chosen to know.  Most of my colleagues do not know; my boss has said that whenever I am ready, we will communicate to everyone.  The problem is , I am not ever going to be ready, not until my babies are back here.  But I know that I can't wait that long, I know that people need to know, that I can't go on pretending that things are "normal".  Working in a school, most people take leave at the end of the term, that is in three weeks' time.  They do not return until late January.  By that time we will be another 10 weeks advanced and almost due.  Monday is the day that I will tell my boss that I'm ready.  Well, kinda ready, maybe.  Or maybe the week after...

Needless to say it has been a journey, we had lost two babies with another surrogate and we are so pleased that we went with two surrogates as we wouldn't now have Arthur & Martha.  It would be horrendous to think what we would be feeling like if we only went with the one.  My recommendation, anyone able to go with two surrogates, should.  We are wonderfully happy and so ready to become a family.  Thank you Dr Shivani and team; we knew what we started with and we wanted to end with, but it's Dr Shivani and her team that have made the journey for us.